Coming Out of the Closet
Growing up I used to think that phrase was weird. Why a closet? It seemed so cliché, but that was before accepting myself as gay. If you're straight, imagine what it would be like to literally live life in a closet. How would you feel? Trapped? Alone? Afraid? Depressed? Anxious? Hopeless? Bitter? Resentful? Wondering if you'll ever be allowed to come out and experience life as it was meant to be lived? Well, that's exactly what it felt like for me growing up, even before accepting myself as gay; but once you accept it, living in the closet is even worse because you now know that the power to leave is up to you.
It’s a strange thing about power though, because even though the power to come out of the closet is up to the individual, external forces are pushing against that door, making it incredibly difficult to open. What are those external forces exactly?
Fear of judgment, shame, and ridicule from friends and family
Expectations, stereotypes, and misunderstandings from society
Not knowing what life is going to look like outside of the closet
The list goes on
While people typically understand why it can be so difficult for someone to come out of the closet, one thing people rarely consider is why people continue to choose to stay inside. Well, as there are many reasons why people are afraid to come out, there are just as many reasons why people choose to stay inside for as long as they do. Some reasons include:
Comfort— Individuals have lived in the closet for so long that they have developed a level of comfort inside the closet because they learned how to adapt and they know what to expect from life.
Control— While individuals learn how to adapt in the closet, it gives them a sense of control of their lives because it’s easier to manage other people’s perceptions of you when people don’t know the real you.
Safety— Ultimately, it feels safer to stay in the closet than to come out of it because you know what to expect from life in the closet but you have no idea what life will be like outside the closet, and fear of the unknown sometimes outweighs the desire to be free.
As miserable as life is inside the closet, people so often build up a worst-case scenario of what life would be like outside the closet that it takes years to gather up the courage to get to that point, and unfortunately, some people never make it. Sometimes the imagined fear is so scary for people that they would rather take their own life than come out. Could you pause for a moment to realize the seriousness of that statement? The fear of coming out of the closet is so great that some people would rather kill themselves than come out and live their authentic lives. Although not everyone who stays in the closet turns to suicide, a life lived in the closet forever is no way to live either.
For those of you reading this who are not LGBTQ+, I hope you have learned something about what the pain is like to be in the closet, to choose to stay in the closet, and what it looks like when trying to come out of the closet. It’s a journey that not every LGBTQ+ person realizes they are on, but when they accept that they are, the journey never ends.
If you are LGBTQ+ and have either not accepted it or come out of the closet, I understand the pain you are going through because I was there myself for many years. However, once I accepted myself and started coming out to people, that loneliness, bitterness, depression, and hopelessness started to go away immediately, and I realized I never truly knew what freedom felt like until the moment when I decided to embrace my Coming Out Journey. The imagined fear is not as bad as you have created it to be, and I know that first-hand. Take your time to understand who you are and what being LGBTQ+ means to you, but know this: The pain will end; the suffering will end; the depression will end; the constant paranoia will end; and hope will begin. Even if you decide to keep the journey to yourself a while longer, start the inner journey today, and before you know it, one day you will be free.
